My Love Affair with Mr. Wolf

Since it’s Valentine’s Day, I deem that this is the right time to reveal the secret love affair that I kept three years ago. Yes, I had an enchanting love affair with Mr. Wolf that lasted for six blissful years.

I thought I couldn’t live without him. Every single waking day, he was the first thing in my mind. I couldn’t sleep without thinking about him. I always remember how after dinner I’d dash to call him right away. There was something about him that made my heart jumped all the time.

At work, I couldn’t wait to take my break. I often sneaked out and sauntered gingerly to meet Mr. Wolf at our rendezvous place. I didn’t realize that Mr. Wolf meant to me more than I ever imagined. He was the best friend I never had. The confidant that never judged. The lover that kept me craved for more. And the companion that was always available for me anytime of the day and anywhere I wanted. I was completely enamored by his irresistible charm.

And yes, Mr. Wolf is hot. If that’s what you want to know. It’s true. I openly admit that I was completely in love with Mr. Wolf. But wait a second, it’s not what you think it is. I’m talking about Walter Wolf- long filters packed in golden flip top case in full flavor.

This is all about my nicotine addiction that lasted for six years before I kicked off the filthy habit. If you think that the long challenging journey to a smoke free life is as easy as a pie, then think again. The truth was I had to win over the battle over cigarettes every single day. It was more like a tug-o-war between me vs. myself. Everyday brought a new hope that I’d stop and give my tired worn out lungs a fresh new pinkish color. I relentlessly persevered thinking that French proverb “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

Whenever I failed to keep my commitment to myself, I always mustered the tenacity to do it all over again the next day. So, basically, I learned to live one day at a time.

Would you like to know how I did it? Here’s how I made it happen.
When I moved to live in Southeast Europe, my stress level of adjusting to a new country embracing a different culture skyrocketed. On top of pressures of living in a foreign land, the language barrier was the biggest cause of my headaches- groping the meaning of Slavic words which consisted of more consonants than vowels gave me more stress induced skin problems ( it isn’t easy to harden up your tongue with the Russian sounding rolling R, let me tell you.) This is why I found myself lost in translation in countless occasions.

I got introduced to a culture where smoking is widely acceptable, approved with two thumbs up and considered almost the norm in the society done by equal number of males and females. Everywhere you look people smoke. It’s either you go against them and get a second hand smoke or you join them and be a part of the smoking community. Either way, you’ll get it.

However, being formerly married to a professional smoker, by professional I mean consuming a pack and a half a day) didn’t help at all. On the contrary, it even encouraged me to take up this new formed habit seriously until I finally made a career out of it since we considered this as something we enjoyed doing together equally romantic as a dinner by candlelight date. We smoked together before and after a meal and whenever we felt the adrenalin pump kicks in the middle of suspense thriller like “Final Destination”. Then my ex-husband and I had to pause DVD to take a Walter Wolf breather at the balcony to calm down high wired nerves and to guess who the next victim is or who’ll kill who.

At work, things were no different. During my 30 minute break, my smoking buddies went to a special place we mused as holy ground that we named “Mr. Bush”- not after the former US President, George W. Bush. But it’s more like a reminder of “The Burning Bush.” Yes, literally it’s a thick bush hanging over a corner house’s garden fence. Hence the name. This spot, a stone’s throw away from the work place is where we ensconced ourselves and exchanged smoke rings while we vented out our personal issues. It’s more like headquarters for girl power movement or an informal street psycho therapy -in my case with my beloved, colleague, Nancy who never complained listening to my woes and blues. So imagine during four seasons rain, drizzle, scorching heat, heavy snow or flurries we showed our unwavering loyalty to Mr. Bush. There we worshipped the burning bush with our full flavor smokes. Aahh who cares about storm, hail or avalanche!

Smoking was not only a golden habit for me, but more like a part of my daily routine from the moment I started my day with morning coffee (The best time to get my nicotine fix. Ok not only the best time but are you kidding? caffeine plus nicotine? That’s an explosive combo) until few hours before I went to bed.


The unbreakable routine that didn’t respect any reasons for a total halt
stayed with me even a month after I got hospitalized with Pneumonia. I was so in love with Mr. Walter Wolf that no amount of sickness could break us apart. Actually, we stuck together in sickness and in health like a real husband and wife who pledged faithfulness till death do us part (well, in the case of a smoker, that’s what’s going to happen anyway.)

I had been going through the same struggles until two years after, the desire to quit became stronger and ofcourse harder. I started to loathe the stinky smell on my clothes, hair and breath and the wheezing sound in my lungs before I went to sleep. In other words, the smoking ghost started to haunt me every single night.


I got so desperate and mustered the courage to try everything including alternative untraditional methods just to get rid of the filthy habit.
First the book, Allen Carr’s “Easy Way to Stop Smoking”. I read the book slowly so I could digest every word. Memorized some lines. Highlighted striking sentences with marker. Bookmarked the last page read, then after, I went lighting up a stick again. I’m not saying that the book is not effective. It is. As a matter of fact, I’ve learned a few tricks from it too. But I was so anxious to do things the fastest way.

Second attempt was the quota for the day method. The first quota I set for myself then was 3 sticks a day. Proud like a peacock, I was telling everyone loftily with heavy denial that “I’m not a smoker”, which I wished that I had worn a T-shirt saying “I’m not a smoker instead of convincing everyone the lie that I put in my head. What are 3 sticks anyway?! It’s not much. But when I recalculated, ok, 3 sticks a day multiplied by 30 days in a month that’s solid 90 sticks a month! Holy Smokes, that’s a lot! I stifled nervousness and feigned fake confidence. Focusing on the 3 and ignoring the 90 by choice.

Ofcourse, as time goes by, 3 a day didn’t stay 3 but 7 then progressed to 10 and from 10 to 15 then 18 on regular days and during stressful days 20- which is actually 18 ( since I refused to count the 2 to fool myself that I was still consuming less than a pack.) But in reality, I’ve gone over and above the quota of 3 sticks. It’s now a pack. At this point, I was officially on the professional level.


So who was I kidding here? Ok you don’t need to answer that. I endured heavy consternation and the humdrum Math exercise of counting cigarette sticks on a daily basis. Something that I could have used for my preschool class for Math practice with sum up to 20. Seriously, it daunted me since it has slowly affected my physical health.

On top of this, I started tossing and turning and having some nightmares-waking in the middle of the night in cold sweat and dreaming about quitting smoking. The more I went through this at night, the more I smoke during the day. It was being agitated about the thought of quitting smoking and consequently, I smoked more.
How ironic, huh? But it’s true.

This went on and on for a few months until one day, somebody handed me a CD on Hypnosis- Stop Smoking Within One Hour by Susan Hepburn a renowned psychotherapist in the UK.

Like a curious first timer in hypnosis, my fear was not to be able to snap out of it. Though it was a self-hypnosis without the guidance of a professional in white coat dangling a pendant right on my face while I lie down on a couch. I didn’t know whether doing hypnosis on my own is a better idea than with a trained professional. But at that point I didn’t care.

Surprisingly, it was utterly as easy as a walk in the park. All you have to do is to follow instructions in the same way as you follow simple directions from a packet of instant noodle soup and voila!

And so I did.

After going through the whole nine yards, I opened my eyes dreading the real litmus test, to see how effective the hypnotherapy is. They say that the proof of the pudding is in the eating. So I followed my ex husband (now and my ex smoking partner too) to the kitchen the moment he lit up.

I was hoping for fireworks to happen to create some kind of magic to kill the cravings so I wouldn’t grab a stick and light up. As it turned out, no sparks of magic was needed at all because there were no cravings and no urge to smoke at all. The most amazing part was I never felt that I was a smoker.

It felt like I was unshackled instantly and gained an indescribable liberation from a bad habit that was eating up the whole me.


Living a healthy smoke free life for three years now is such a pure joy. This month, I’m celebrating my brand new life. Thanking God for using the person who gave me not just a CD but a gift of life. I thank God for reminding me that my father who died of lung cancer would’ve been the happiest that I did it.

It’s amazing how I got the chance again to breathe and smell the clean whiff of fresh air, appreciate the palatability of food and the real taste of strong espresso coffee again. Aaahhh, life is not only good.


It’s way a lot better than that.


Though I miss Mr. Wolf’s unfaltering fidelity to me everytime I think about him, but I’m not sorry to say that my love affair with him is over. We had shared lovely unforgettable time together. But the good times are over. I enjoyed every moment until I puffed my last.


Happy Valentine’s Everyone! Enjoy a smoke free life!

Thumbs Up and Thumbs Down List for 2011 Part II

Sorry it took a few days before I released my thumbs down list. I just needed some time off to take down the tree and finished up left over food and ofcourse and to vegetate after the New Year frenzy.

Here it is now, the second part that I promised-my thumbs down list for 2011

1.Touch Screen
My friends keep on telling me that I’ll get used to touch screen. Ok, after using this phone for more than a month now,I am still not used to it. I don’t have a fat finger problem. But my problem is more on how hard I press the screen especially whenever I send text message and chats. It seems like the keys on the touch screen ( by the way I’m using HTC Wildfire S) are too close and the spaces are not enough for my finger to press a letter. And you could just imagine how one time it ended up like a disaster when I rushed and typed the word “clock”. That ended up as “cock.” Nice!


2.Spending Christmas Alone
Worst thing ever. This is a double thumbs down for me. The spirit of Christmas is joyous season to be with your family. But spending it alone (either because of some personal or work related reasons) will somehow make you feel the blues of the season. If you’re a home alone hater like me during Christmas, it’s sensible that you should try to attend to Christmas parties to boost your morale a bit instead of joining a pity party which I did and wasn’t even dressed up properly for it.


3.Break Up:
Gee, breaking up before Christmas is a very bad move. I know it’s inevitable and nobody schedules a breakup with your partner. Like“ honey, how about we postpone our split- up since it’s just weeks before Christmas? Can we just make our breakup one of our new year’s resolution for 2012?”

Two of my friends had a bad breakup months before Christmas. Don’t ask how their holiday went like. No amount of presents, parties and movie marathon cheered them up (ok shopping did- only temporarily though. Thankfully it did!) Basically, having friends who are heart broken during the Christmas season, made me discover a second career for myself- a Christmas mascot. For interested parties, booking is six months in advance.

4.No Internet during Christmas holiday
You gotta be kidding me. No internet during this time of the year is like having the urge to smoke without cigarettes. You’ll be irritable, sweating, struggling with headaches and swearing a lot. When all your friends, colleagues and family are on Facebook, it’s the easiest way to reach out to them and give them your Christmas greetings at the convenience of your home. Ok I know you got Facebook now on our phone. Say what you want to say but it isn’t the same as you are on the computer. If you call technical services of your network about your internet problems and you get a we’ll- fix –the- problem- after -the –holiday- response then you’re doomed. It’s like having a toothache during the two week Christmas holiday and all dentists are out for a vacation. Then, you’ll just have to take your chances on any type of pain reliever. Good luck!

5.Food Pushers
What may be acceptable to you may NOT be acceptable to us. That’s the beauty of cultural diversity. We are all not the same. Our cultural practices vary and depend on where we come from. In some countries like in the Philippines, we show guests hospitality by offering our native delicacies. We put food on the table and allow the guest to choose which ones he’d prefer to eat (ofcourse we don’t push duck embryo to our guests.) We don’t want their government to put a travel ban to the Philippines because of that. But here in Croatia, it’s the exact opposite. Hospitality and warm acceptance are exhibited by getting into your plate literally especially by the old people ( who know the art of blending the taste of Sarma-stuffed sour cabbage.) What they’d do is push you to eat what they’d put on your plate. And you’re expected to finish everything or else they’d get offended if you don’t. I know they mean well, but I never got used to food pushers. Next time, I encounter food pushers, I’ll pout. If that doesn’t work, I’d pretend I got a tummy ache.


6.Bourne Legacy

I’m an avid follower of the Bourne book series. What precipitates my adrenalin to pump up while I read is the visualization of Matt Damon as Jason into the story. Unexpectedly, the soon to be released film Bourne Legacy later this year will not leave any legacy without Matt Damon in it. I’m not saying that this upcoming movie will not be spectacular( haven’t seen the trailer yet.) I’m sure it will exceed or at least a little bit closer to the previous sequels. However, viewers like me, associate Jason Bourne with Matt Damon for years. And it’s not going to be same with a different persona.

But hey, a good movie is a good movie. Let’s wait and see if Jeremy Renner will be at par with the only Jason Bourne I know.


Now it’s your turn. Tell me what’s yours.

My Thumbs Up and Thumbs Down List for 2011

Have you discovered something new about yourself this past year-those things that you love and can’t live without and those stuff that you can’t even stand leaving you puzzled why in the world did you hang on to those in 2011?

Ok, it’s almost the end of the year, when you sit down in the little corner of your room before midnight- few minutes away from the first day of 2012 while you do your New Year’s eve self assessment routine, it won’t hurt to contemplate on some new revelations like an epiphany ( not likely coming from heaven) about yourself that you thought you knew but actually didn’t know about until you got the chance to discover it only last year.

It may not be something significant though. It may just be some minute part of your everyday life but matters a lot.

I can’t wait to know what’s yours. But before you tell me your list, let me burn your ears first with mine. You ready? Here goes…

Thumbs Up List

1.Latino Parties:
I’am a sucker for latin dances but two particular dances that make my heart beat faster in a bossa nova rhythm are salsa and samba. Who cares if the rest of the world are sleeping? All I care about at Latino parties are Mojitos, samba and lots of hip shaking and grinding with sultry Latino friends who dance to their heart’s delight. Oh, did I mention about hot Brazilian bartenders?

2.Facebook’s More Than Just Happy Birthday Greetings
When it’s our birthday, it’s a known fact that the first thing we do is to look at our Facebook wall, right? Ofcourse we’d like to see who remembered us on our birthday.

But how could this birthday routine be exciting if all we see is “Happy Birthday, All the Best!” or just simply “Happy Birthday” or worse “Happy B-day”. Therefore, if you’ve got 25 friends who remembered you on this day, all you’ll see is a “Happy Birthday” repeatedly written 25 times on your Facebook wall. Gee, that’s exciting!

How about writing something nice about the birthday celebrant? Write something that’s encouraging, or say something about a person’s good traits, write something positive. Oh, for heaven’s sake! Write something that’s more than just “Happy Birthday!”

3.Scented Candles
I used to dread opening Christmas gifts before especially when I could feel that what’s inside are candles. Until I got smitten by L’occitane candle fig scent (again a gift to me) whose seductive scent can throw you down on the floor.
That’s when I got a paradigm shift about candles. From that time on, I always ask my friends that I’d like to get scented candles for Christmas. What can I do? Things change!

4.Bubble Bath
My new bubbly passion. I didn’t have the chance to have bubble baths before since my old apartment didn’t have a tub but just a bath corner shower stall instead. Now that I’ve got one in my new apartment- ha! I make sure that I always give myself reason why I do so-to relax my muscles, to calm me down, for a good night sleep, to try different bubble bath soaps. I don’t run out of reasons just to do it every other day. In case I do, run out of reasons, I’ll make one for the next day.

5.Caramelized Almonds
Gosh, I’ve never thought that this stuff are so delicious. Ok probably because I got sweet tooth. But really, they’re addicting that once you munch one sweetened almond, there’s no way for you to stop until you wipe out the rest in the jar. But let me give you a caveat, they’re harder than you thought. So those with porcelain caps, be careful.

6.Running
Since when did I start to like running? Three years ago, I guess, when my goal was to simply substitute smoking with running. But this year, I don’t just like it. I love it! Doesn’t this sound like a Nike slogan? Running to me now is more than just good for my body- it’s good for my soul too.

7.Jelly Babies
Ok from running to eating sweet high caloric jelly candies? They don’t go together, right? But you know what? I don’t really care. Jelly Babies are the best gummy candies I’ve ever tasted. Taste is perfect. Sweetness is just enough for my once in a while cravings ( ok sometimes more than once in a while) but the shapes? Well…uhmm, let’s just put it this way, it’s like your chewing sweetened little babies. Eewww!

Don’t ask me. I didn’t make them.

8.Ask and It is Given -Law of Attraction Book ( self- help skills) by Abraham- Hicks
Powerful book that everyone must have. When I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down. I was hoping that I won’t reach the last page since it has revealed tons of information that I missed before. The book generally endorses the principle of law of attraction where you can attract what you desire ( or in the same token as attracting negative things or events as well) depending on how you direct your thoughts.If you get the chance get hold of the book. Go and get one for yourself. It’s a good read especially during the beginning of a new year.

My Thumbs Down List for 2011 will be posted tomorrow. Stay tuned!
While I’m ending the first part of this blog few hours right before 2012 begins.

Let me wish all of you, ( my dear blog readers) a life rich in love, peace, good health and abundance of blessing for the Year 2012.

I hope that I could see you more often here and that my blog would always be worthy of your reading time.

Happy New Year to all!

A Different Flavor of Christmas in Croatia

Note:

I'm reposting my article published on American Chronicle. This article is dedicated to all my Croatian friends who consider me as one of their own . To all travelers planning to visit the country during the holiday season, you may want to read this too. Here's the link to the page. I'm giving you all my blog readers more pictures of Croatia since I wasn't able to do so at the site below.


http://www.americanchronicle.com/articles/view/262856

May your hearts be filled with love, peace and grace this coming year.

Merry Christmas to all!

Happy Reading!

Joy

Remembering Her.....

For most of us, this time of the year means thinking about outlandish costume to wear, coolest Halloween party to go, ghoulish makeup to put on or maybe boozing the night away.

But for us in the family when the first of November was coming close, we used to think about how we were going to make my mom's birthday party celebration a day to remember.

Considering her propensity to be particular about party details, we used to think about whether she preferred home catering service, dining out or home cooked special lunches and list of close friends to invite. In general, the aim was to make the party as festive as possible and make her the happiest birthday girl in town.
Ever since I can remember, first of November is a sacred date, a day when any excuses for not visiting my mother whether excuse is valid or not is utterly unacceptable. All of us were always expected to be at home- reporting for duty like loyal soldiers. When the party frenzy is over, we sat together at the dining table or gathered around her in bed like little chicks squeezing closer next to mother hen for warmth.

And you know what was the best part? It was the marathon of latest update about our lives. That completed my mom's special day. Well, at least before she ended her usual birthday, we always managed to make her smile and stretched her laugh lines with funny anecdotes as we massaged her arms and legs- a thing that we spoiled her with since we were little kids.

Since we got used to this routine yearly, November 1st didn't look anything exceptional for us until last year when Mom celebrated her last. Early morning that day before she got checked out after a full month's stay at the hospital due to a massive brain stroke, the nursing staff, close friends and us (her children) once again gathered around her not in her regular bed but in her hospital bed this time with birthday cake, fresh flowers, confetti and balloons feigning party mood excitement. Because deep in our hearts, we mumbled prayers of healing and life extension in a hope for another year of blissful birthday celebration.

But who are we to question God's plan for us? Apparently, His plan is way much better. Twenty two days after, He took mom to rest with Him in His kingdom.

But before that, He made her experienced her best birthday party celebration ever.
Happy Birthday Mommy! I miss you.

Grocery Carts Follow the Law of Nature

It's amazing how the law of nature applies surprisingly from regular situations to inanimate objects such as grocery carts. Grocery carts especially the ones we have in our common grocery stores in Croatia are attached by a chain that can only be released once you insert a coin. Naturally, when you return it back by attaching back the linked chain, the first thing you'll see is a coin sitting there that quietly says "take me." But that was what I exactly did this weekend. I attached back the chain and hoping to get back my coin. But there was no coin waving at me. I didn't see any.

Then, my friend curiously asked "what are you looking for?" I replied back "your coin" What coin? I didn't insert any. She continued. "I found a loose chain from an unattached cart that I just pulled out. That's why I got the cart without inserting any coin." Then I realized- so no money in- no money out.

Simple. Isn't life as simple as that? Why do we always have to complicate it?

You give love, you get love back. You show hatred. You get being hated. You show kindness. You'll experience kindness in most unexpected place and time. You share your talents. You get rewarded. When you cheat, you'll get cheated too. When you smile at somebody, that somebody will likely smile back at you.

Accept it or now, law of nature spirals to law of reaping what you sow, law of retribution or karma philosophy or even Newton's law of motion's "for every action there's an equal or opposite reaction."
W hat ever way you put it, still it will boil down to the amount you give is what it is going to be given back to you.

If we as human beings forget this basic law of life, well, the good news is that grocery carts will remind us that if you did not insert a coin, then don't expect to get a coin back.

Follow Your Yellow Brick Road

Yellow Brick Road? Remember the story of the Wizard of OZ? When Dorothy wants to find the wiz in the Emerald City? She was told to find the yellow brick road- the way that will surely get her to the elusive Wizard of Oz so she could find her way back home.

You may not be Dorothy literally looking for your way back home. But I know that there are times when you get into a situation where you experience an undefined feeling that you've lost a valued missing piece that could be in a form of a person close to you or a part of yourself that has drifted away.

Though, it may not be as massive as Dorothy's home swallowed by a tornado. But losing something that has made you complete all throughout the years, would definitely prompt you to turn your back, search around or march forward and leave no stone unturned to seek for the right answer to bring back what you're missing.

And what you should be looking for actually is the Yellow Brick Road.

Yes. The Yellow Brick Road. You know it exists but you don't know where and how to find it, right? Don't look at me. I myself also don't know where it is. I'm still on my search. But I know what I'll take with me in my Yellow Brick Road life search adventure. This is why I'm sharing it with you so we could saunter together hand in hand and make this trip an exciting life experience. Don't forget, take all of these with you and you'll never get lost on your way to the Yellow Brick Road.

Scarecrow: Did you know that humans experience as much as 70,000 thoughts each day? Perhaps, that's the reason why the scarecrow wanted a brain so bad so he could think, discern and be judicious like humans. Well, clearly, if he had a brain he wouldn't be humiliating himself hanging on crossed sticks and do a pathetic job of giving crows a scare donning his faded overalls and straw hat. Probably he'd be a dignified scarecrow- Ok still on a scaring business but in Armani suit. Huh!

Wisdom is what we need to seek all the time. We can only find it through prayers and becoming sensitive to God's voice. There's no doubt that He'll definitely guide you through. However, don't forget to astutely weigh and balance your predicament. They say that the reason why God put our brains in our head so we could use it to rule our lives with sound decisions.


The Tin Man: When I watched "The Wiz" on TV last Saturday for the umpteenth time, I still get amazed with the scene when Dorothy opened a square window on the Tin Man's chest and saw a vacuum inside. It was hollow and empty. Thankfully, we're blessed with a heart ( sorry for you Tin Man.) Then follow your heart where it leads you. Ignore what other people think about you and your decision in pursuit for happiness. You only live once. You don't want to spend the rest of your life sacrificing your happiness because other people disapprove of it. Andrew Matthews, an International speaker and author of "Be Happy" contends "Happiness is in the way you think. No one can make you happy except yourself." Know what's inside your heart. Find out what your heart desires. As soon as you know what your heart longs for, then climb the highest mountain (if you have to) to attain it. Subsequently, your beaming smile will radiate the joy coming from your heart.

The Lion: You may have the brain and the heart but without lion's courage -you won't get anywhere. Your ability to muster courage and strength will make up your unwavering character and steadfast integrity. It is through courage and strength that you can trek the rough mountain terrain, walk on hot coals in bare feet and jump over the cliff. In the same token as through courage and strength that you can rebuild your life and pick up the bits and pieces of yourself and start all over again. I read this quote once before that says "A strong woman is one who gets her heart broken time and time again and still has the strength to gather the pieces to create a new life for herself." Nothing could be more undaunted than attempting to start your life all over again. It takes a boulder sized courage and strongest character to be able to do that.

Toto: Lastly, don't forget to grab Toto a dog Terrier on your way to the Yellow Brick Road- friendly, endearing and lively dog that reminds you not to take life too seriously. Don't sweat the small stuff as they say (Ok I'm telling this to myself too.) Sprinkle a dash of humor as you meander one step at a time towards the Yellow Brick Road.

Never give up finding the road signs. Follow the arrow pointing where it leads the way. Be wise. Listen to your heart and muster some courage. Be Dorothy. Click your heels three times as you take a leap of faith and trek the Yellow Brick Road that will surely bring you back home.

Have a lovely summer! - J.A.S.